One of the most interesting relationship models and
types is polyamory. Poly means many and
amor means love. One could conclude that
polyamory is the act of having many loves.
Or relationships with multiple, mutually consenting partners. There are many dynamics to polyamory. There could be a Triad where there are three
partners that are all mutually romantic or involved with each other, or
something all a V formation where there is one person dating or romantically
involved with two other people, but those two other people are not dating or
romantically involved with each other.
Polyamory can have many designs and formations. I personally know many men and women involved
in such relationships that are both HIV positive and negative. What I want to do here and now is dispel some
myths when stigmatizing persons who are polyamory. After interviewed some polyamorist, I found
some of the answers very interesting.
Polyamory
is not about sleeping with everyone: I spoke to persons that were in a poly
relationship who were HIV positive and one of their many responses had to deal
with persons thinking they spread Sexually Transmitted Illnesses (STIs). Most poly relationship use safer sex because
of the level of trust that is needed when being in a poly relationship. For thoughs people that think that
promiscuity is the basis of polyamory, they are wrong. Safety should be your priority to all of your
partners.
Communication
is key when talking about medical issues:
In any relationship it is important for people to have
an open line of communication. It is
even more important because there can be more “moving parts” to a poly
relationship (see what I did there lol).
It is paramount that everyone be on the same page when it come to
discussing medical issues. People that
would like to start having a poly relationship should definitely have a condom
talk or a PrEP discussion. Basically,
you want to talk about how you want to protect yourself and your other
partners. In a article by Alex Williams
(2008) he interviews Ed Vessel, a cognitive neuroscientist who lives in
Brooklyn who stated, “Toothbrush disputes are the least of it. In the era of
safe sex and cellphones, a life that seems to promise boundless sex in fact
involves lots of talking. And talking. And talking”.
It’s not a free for all:
It’s not about orgies or about people inviting all that want to have sex with
them with their partners. Basically, if
your interested in an already existing polyamorous relationship ask to see if
they are even interested in adding another partner, being sexually involved
with someone else or even if one of the partners would like to go on a
date. Either direction that is pursued a
talk has and probably will happen on medical history, as it should.
Poly
people are more likely to spread HIV/STI: Polyamorist are more likely to play safer
than most. They are committed to their
partners and know the stakes at risk for everyone involved. There are people that are both HIV positive
and negative in polyamorist relationship.
A lot of the people I spoke with were on PrEP and/or used a condom. According to the The Journal of Sexual
Medicine article written by Justin Lehmiller (2015), “Although consensually
nonmonogamous (CNM) relationships are presumed to be far riskier for partners'
sexual health compared with monogamous relationships, the disparity between
them may be smaller than assumed. A growing body of research finds that many
partners who have made monogamy agreements cheat, and when they do, they are
less likely to practice safe sex than CNM partners”
Poly
relationships can stand the test of time: Ever seen the movie, “Professor
Marston and the Wonder Women (2017)”? The movie is about Dr. William Moulton
Marston the creator of Wonder Women and his relationships with his wife Elizabeth
Holloway Marston and their partner Olive Byrne.
They were in a romantic Triad for years and stood against discrimination
and bigotry. Dr. Marston died of skin
cancer Olive would die at age 85 and Elizabeth at the age of 100. The point is that they stayed together
happily for the rest of their days.
There is also the story of Bob, Don and Keith, which was a story published
by ImFromDriftwood (2015) Bob met Don in 1966, and then met Keith five years
later in 1971. After being together for 46 years, they had to say goodbye to
Don, but he and Keith remain. HIV does
not have to define our relationships, we define though relationships for
ourselves and by who we are with.
Most people have a little
apprehension contemplating taking the first step into a community that
celebrates Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, submission, Sadism and masochism but
the reality is that the people in our kinky community are some of the most caring
people I have ever met.
The quality of the
information available about the BDSM Lifestyle varies radically. As you seek
out information about "what it is we do", I have this advice for you:
The most accurate and
generally accepted information will be found in traditionally published books
by recognized authors.
The next best information
will come from dedicated and well-recognized websites, and in educational
offerings at conventions that are well regarded by the community.
Less accurate and often contradictory
information will be found in group discussions, social networking sites, and
local educational offerings. This information is seldom vetted and is more
likely to be someone’s opinion, conjecture or untested hypothesis rather than
generally accepted fact.
The best education is often
found in a relationship with a good mentor in your local community. Finding a
good mentor is like the problem of finding a good mechanic when you don't yet
know much about cars. Take the time to educate yourself about our lifestyle
first, starting with the many books available.
Ultimately, you want the
knowledge and skill that will allow you to practice BDSM safely, and to build
the type of relationships you desire.
Publications (online or in
print)
Leatherati explores our
unique lifestyle of contests and titleholders, travel and events, dining and
drinking, entertainment and shopping and of course, news and opinion.
Leatherati is based in LA.
The Leather Journal reports
on events and news about the lifestyle
LetherViews by Jack Rinella
bannon.com Intelligent
information, ideas and insights about the adventurous side of sex and
relationships.
Social Organizations
The Eulenspiegel Society
(TES) is a NYC based, not-for-profit organization which promotes sexual
liberation for all adults. Especially for people who enjoy consensual BDSM. It
is the oldest such organization in the nation.
The Society of Janus is a
San Francisco based, not-for-profit education and support organization. It is
the second oldest such organization in the nation.
Black Rose is a Washington,
DC based, not-for-profit organization which provides a forum for the many
different expressions of power in love and play. This can include dominance
& submission, bondage & discipline, sadism & masochism,
fetishism, cross-dressing, to name a few.
The Arizona Power Exchange
(APEX) is a not-for-profit corporation that provides education, social
opportunities, and support for adults who are interested in Bondage and
Discipline
Desert Dominion is an
educational and social group whose focus is providing information and education
for people interested in the BDSM lifestyle
Avatar is a LA based private
non-profit educational and social club established in 1983 for gay men with an
interest in BDSM. We teach safe, sane and consensual BDSM techniques to anyone
interested in learning.
smOdyssey is a membership
organization located in San Jose, Santa Clara County, California, in the heart
of Silicon Valley.
Club X, Inc. is San Diego's
largest pansexual leather/ BDSM fetish group. Our primary goal is that of
education with secondary goals of activism and social activities
Masters And slaves
Together, International (MAsT) exists as an education, support and resource
group for individuals involved in, or interested in, the Master/slave
lifestyle. The local chapters list will direct you to the many local chapters
of MAsT.
Informational Websites
DomSubFriends is an East
Coast members only pan-sexual group, who share interests in the S&M,
BDSM, D/s, and B/D scene.
Comprehensive Internet
Directory maintained by DomSubFriends group; many of the links are dated but
there is a wealth of information here.
Sexuality.org maintained by
Society for Human Sexuality has a variety of sexual resources including some
BDSM information
The BDSM Events Page Lists
local and national events
LeatherWeb states that it
is a lifestyle site "for the curious and the committed" it is not an
easy read but there seem to be many nuggets of value including notes from
classes and presentations. I am sure it will continue to grow and develop.
Educational Offerings
The Butchmanns Experience
is an intensive educational weekend designed to provide an opportunity for
self-discovery in pursuit of self-actualization. The event includes hands-on
training in basic SM practices, protocol and rituals, and a view of leadership
and obedience through the lens of Master/slave dynamics.
Kink Academy is a
comprehensive library of sex-ed videos for adventurous, consenting adults.
Whether you’re new to kink or an experienced player, there’s something for everyone
to learn on KinkAcademy.com.
Social Action Organizations
The National Coalition for
Sexual Freedom (NCSF) fights for sexual freedom and privacy rights for all
adults who engage in safe, sane and consensual behavior.
Kink Aware Professionals Directory
(KAP) is a service offered by NCSF dedicated to providing the community with
referrals to psychotherapeutic, medical, legal and other professionals who are
knowledgeable about and sensitive to diverse expressions of sexuality.
Woodhull Sexual Freedom
Alliance has been hard at work to combat the prohibition of pleasure, the
rollbacks on hard-won freedoms and protections and to advance an agenda that
recognizes the wonderful diversity of sex, sexuality and our rights to make
informed, consensual choices in our lives.
CARAS is dedicated to the
support and promotion of excellence in the study of alternative sexualities,
and the dissemination of research results to the alternative sexuality
communities, the public, and the research community.
The Kinsey Institute at
Indiana University works towards advancing sexual health and knowledge
worldwide. For over 60 years, the institute has been a trusted source for
investigating and informing the world about critical issues in sex, gender and
reproduction.
The ACLU is our nation's
guardian of liberty, working daily in courts, legislatures and communities to
defend and preserve the individual rights and liberties that the Constitution
and laws of the United States guarantee everyone in this country
The Carter/Johnson Leather
Library is a collective history of various communities who have chosen to live
and love differently.
Leather Archives &
Museum mission is the compilation, preservation and maintenance of leather
lifestyle and related lifestyles [including but not limited to the Gay and
Lesbian communities], history, archives and memorabilia for historical,
educational and research purposes.
The Leather Leadership
Conference (LLC) is an organization dedicated to strengthening the
Leather/BDSM/Kink/Fetish community through the development of the leadership
skills of community members and fostering a greater sense of connection between
and within community groups
The Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual
Transgender Historical Society (GLBTHS) collects, preserves, and interprets the
history of GLBT people and the communities that support theCenter for Sex and Culture
provides judgment-free education, cultural events, a library/media archive, and
other resources to audiences across the sexual and gender spectrum. From our
San Francisco home we promote creativity, information and healthy sexual
knowledge.
Links below open in another
window or tab.
Fetlife.com --- FetLife is
free and one of the larges of this kind of site. It is said that to keep from
deteriorating into a meat market as other similar sites have, they decided to
restricted searches for other users.
Recon.com --- Free to join
but requires payment for many features
Collarme.com --- Free site
has good search and free mail
Bondage.com --- Free to
join but requires payment for many features
Alt.com --- Free to join
but requires payment for many features
Kinkyspace.com A free
Social Networking Site for Kinky Friends
Twitter.com --- Run
searched for BDSM, Bondage, Shabari
BDSM.com --- Free
References:
ImDriftwood (2015 January 28) Polyamorous Relationship
Lasts 46 Years. "We Shared So Many Memories Together." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgMtSQtV1j8
Lehmiller, J. J. (2015). A comparison of sexual health
history and practices among monogamous and consensually nonmonogamous sexual
partners. The Journal of Sexual Medicine,
12(10), 2022-2028.
Williams, A. (2008). Hopelessly Devoted to You, You
and You. The New York Times, October 3, 2008.
