Justin's HIV Journal

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Justin's HIV Journal: Who Infected Me With HIV?

When I was infected with HIV I called the person who I believed in infected me, I got him tested and he was positive also; that happened in 2006.  All these years I thought I knew who infected me.  But something came up a couple of months ago.  I got a phone call from a friend who said that we had sex unprotected some year back.  I honestly had no idea, but I knew we had sex before about 3 times.  I do remember all the times we had sex, but I didn’t know that one of those times was unprotected.  I must say he didn’t know he was HIV positive at the time either, but he found out later.  When he had eventually found out, we had already lost contact.  

It is now 2013 and the same handsome man had called me after watching and reading my blog.  He had told what I had mentioned above.  I do believe him and we are still friends.  I can’t blame him because it took two to tango and it was consensual sex.  But now I’m at an impasse, and I don’t know what to do.  

Should I investigate further and find out who infected me?  Or should I move on and live my life without that answer?

I’ve lived my life thus far not knowing, but I gave myself a false knowing of who infected me and now I just don’t know.  Maybe I unconsciously knew that there may have been another sexual encounter I had that may had infected me with HIV.  

Even if I find out who infected me, will that make me any happier?  Will is close a door that wasn’t meant to be opened?  

All I know now is that I took solace in knowing who infected and I lived my life for me and my family.  But will I stop doing what I’m doing and being who I am because of this.  The answer is NO.  I now take solace in not wanting to know who infected me but in my husband, my son, my friends and family.  These are the things that truly matter to me.  These are the things that will always matter to me.

However it would be nice to know…